The New Year, Goals, "Dream Big"

Back in the late 90's my mom (Mary) and a group of her friends signed a song called "Dream Big". The Chorus gives you an idea of what it is about:

"Dream big, It's the Lord's desire for you 
to Dream big, In everything you say and do
You'll see your greatest dream come true
'Cause all of Heaven is dreaming big for you"



Once again, this similar theme was brought up as I was in OH. Dad (Joe) had the church write down their "dreams, goals, desires, needs, and ambitions" for the year 2011 prior to Christmas. As everyone was writing down what they wanted to "accomplish" in the year 2011... all I could think about is, I am not allowed to dream. I am not allowed to set up any goals, ambitions, expectations, and so on. To do so, may result in failure and unsuccess, which ultimately results in disappointment, misery, anger, and doubt. 


I grew up in a life where I constantly blew every expectation, every dream, every goal... and hurt not only myself, but many of those who were around me. Knowing this... causes me anguish, and disappointment in myself. I cannot STAND to disappoint those I love. Including God. Ultimately God. I don't care if He KNOWS I might or will fail. I don't care if I am human... but God is God... and to disappoint Him is to fail Him. 


There are others who have expecations, goals, etc for me... and my ultimate fear is I will never live up to them. I can't live up to them. The only thing I seem to succeed in is... not living up to expectations. I know God has expecations of me and that scares the SHIT out of me. There is absolutely no way I can ever measure up to His expectations. I am just ... me... I am nobody. Its not like I am Jesus... who was the "God Child" or "SON GOD".... Jesus already knew what it was like to be perfect. Even as a human, He still had His perfection experience in Him. Maybe his flesh caused him temptation... but it was the perfection in Him that would have served as a constant reminder of WHO HE IS. I don't have that. I am just human... a bastard child... born into a family of misfits, abusers, mental illnesses, and so on. I was raised to survive a certain way... and one of them was to not expect to achieve anything or you will be disapppointed. 


I let myself dream a few times... and they blew up in my face. Who is to say that to dream for 2011 will not result in the same conclusion? Do I want good things to happen? Yes. I would love to have them happen. But to write them down, to dream of them... I set myself up for failure. It is better to have achieved good without any expectations or goals, than to have acheived nothing when you have expectations or goals. It is less heartbreaking and disappointing to go day by day and cross my fingers that everything goes well. That things lead in the right direction.

If God really wants me to head a certain direction, I believe He will lead me there. Whether I choose to accept or not... that is not gauranteed. But God knows my fears, my anxieties, and my inability to move forward on expectations without help. It is this time that I believe God will reveal either Himself, or place someone in my path to help me achieve whatever expectation or goal He has for me, for I cannot do it on my own no matter how small it may be.

Am I sad that I don't have any dreams or goals? Sure I am. I cried when Dad announced this and I sat there feeling terrible that I was that hopelesss... I cried because I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't withstand another disappointment again. I have had way too many. Maybe someday I will have dreams... but more likely those dreams will be labeled as "unlikely" so I can have a fallback.

This is one of my weaknesses as a Christian. I hold back... close my eyes... and blindly walk through life with a little hope that it doesn't result in falling down a cliff.